I Am Overwhelmed By You

I haven’t written in months.

Not sure I had anything good to say. 

Well, now I have a lot to say. You should be glad I am not into video blogs. You’d see the ugly cry that’s going on right now.

I took my two teenagers to a Midland Ministries event on Saturday night. Twenty years ago I was sitting in Midland Ministry rallies one Saturday every month. Back then it was called Teens for Christ.

I was fifteen and praying by a tree at a Teen’s for Christ Camp when I was certain that God had called me to missions.  A memory etched beautifully in my mind.

I was sixteen when I made my first BIG compromise. In my mind there were deal breakers with God. I was now unworthy. The out of control spiral came until I was eighteen. I was engaged and a college drop out. You’ve heard that story many times now, but God woke me up one Saturday morning and told me he didn’t call me to be a loser.  I walked into church again the next day.

Saturday night I replayed the last twenty years. I tallied all the “deal breakers” and all the things that make me “unqualified”.  I decided that if my “mission” in life was to support missions only, I would. If my mission in life was to buy and share fair trade items from people who have been released from all sorts of captivity; I would buy them, pray over them, and cherish every last piece.

Sunday morning’s message was about our church’s mission in Bluefields, Nicaragua. I had already decided that I really wanted to go. I saved up some money from my coaching business and Friday, because of the nature of the beast, I had to cash those to pay some bills. I was back at square one with nothing.

I spent yesterday afternoon looking up what I needed to do donate plasma, how many times could I do that in a week, and how much money would that earn me in a month. I calculated how I could add two more fitness classes to my schedule, putting me at ten for a week to make the extra money. Could I add a 4^th job?

I still have Haley’s trip to pay for to DC with her class in April. I have signed my mom and I up for almost every available concession stand at the school.

I was overwhelmed. I just did what I do best, I laid on my bed.

I began to pray.

“God if I am supposed to go, help me to trust you. If I am not supposed to go, help me to trust you.”

Still antsy, I started to clean the clutter and dust my room. I should have known that God was stirring something because I am not usually stirred to do any of that on Sundays. I take my rest day pretty serious. I don’t move.

My phone rang and it was a family member. She started out the conversation like this,

“I have a lot of emotions and I don’t know how to say this”. (Bracing myself for the absolute worst)

She continues, “If you are serious about going on the mission trip to Nicaragua, we would like to pay for your trip.”

After several awkward moments of me sobbing in the phone…

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

I haven’t stopped crying since. I am overwhelmed.

Its only eight days, people. I know this.  I also came to terms a long time ago that my mission field is here for now. There are people groups here that God has for me. It’s not about the traveling.

I have been blessed with jobs that send me places. I have stayed in some of the best hotels and resorts. I have seen the mountains, the oceans, and the desserts. I have stood before memorials and rode all forms of public transportation. I have seen the beautiful sunsets in Hawaii. I have ran next to a rainbow over the ocean. I have been to Disney Land and Disney World. I have seen a lot of amazing places here in America.

But…

I’d trade all of that to give dignity and mobility to some of the poorest people in under developed countries by giving them a wheelchair. I’d give all of that up to see the well being built by the church so little girls don’t have to be sexually assaulted when they do laundry in the dry season. I’d give all of that back to see the local church thrive and lives changed because of Jesus.  I’d give it back to see the local churches thrive and lives changed by Jesus in the under developed world. 

I wasn’t disqualified. God had better timing for me. I took some detours, made up my own rules, and when I make a mistake, I make 'em big. 

 In youth group Wednesday night we read from Colossians 1. 

Paul says to church in Colossae:
 “Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation- if you continue in your faith, established and firm, and do not move from the hope held out in the gospel.”

I was once alienated and I made myself an enemy in my own mind. Many times I have asked God how he could still love me. He has reconciled me because He loves me. He sent a sacrifice of one man, his son, Jesus for me. For me, Christi Miller,  He didn’t say “now keep it together, Christi, or you are out”. He said continue in your faith and do not move from hope because of Jesus. When I lose my way, Jesus points me back. When I can't trust my heart, I trust Jesus. When I make mistakes and He knows I will, Jesus carries me home. 

So, twenty years later I will spend my 35^th birthday on my first mission trip. For twenty years I have found myself many times on my knees before the cross, with my head in the lap of grace, held by the arms of mercy, and constantly reminded that He is for me in His no, His wait, His timing, His forgiveness. 

For this, I am overwhelmed.