I Am Overwhelmed By You

I haven’t written in months.

Not sure I had anything good to say. 

Well, now I have a lot to say. You should be glad I am not into video blogs. You’d see the ugly cry that’s going on right now.

I took my two teenagers to a Midland Ministries event on Saturday night. Twenty years ago I was sitting in Midland Ministry rallies one Saturday every month. Back then it was called Teens for Christ.

I was fifteen and praying by a tree at a Teen’s for Christ Camp when I was certain that God had called me to missions.  A memory etched beautifully in my mind.

I was sixteen when I made my first BIG compromise. In my mind there were deal breakers with God. I was now unworthy. The out of control spiral came until I was eighteen. I was engaged and a college drop out. You’ve heard that story many times now, but God woke me up one Saturday morning and told me he didn’t call me to be a loser.  I walked into church again the next day.

Saturday night I replayed the last twenty years. I tallied all the “deal breakers” and all the things that make me “unqualified”.  I decided that if my “mission” in life was to support missions only, I would. If my mission in life was to buy and share fair trade items from people who have been released from all sorts of captivity; I would buy them, pray over them, and cherish every last piece.

Sunday morning’s message was about our church’s mission in Bluefields, Nicaragua. I had already decided that I really wanted to go. I saved up some money from my coaching business and Friday, because of the nature of the beast, I had to cash those to pay some bills. I was back at square one with nothing.

I spent yesterday afternoon looking up what I needed to do donate plasma, how many times could I do that in a week, and how much money would that earn me in a month. I calculated how I could add two more fitness classes to my schedule, putting me at ten for a week to make the extra money. Could I add a 4^th job?

I still have Haley’s trip to pay for to DC with her class in April. I have signed my mom and I up for almost every available concession stand at the school.

I was overwhelmed. I just did what I do best, I laid on my bed.

I began to pray.

“God if I am supposed to go, help me to trust you. If I am not supposed to go, help me to trust you.”

Still antsy, I started to clean the clutter and dust my room. I should have known that God was stirring something because I am not usually stirred to do any of that on Sundays. I take my rest day pretty serious. I don’t move.

My phone rang and it was a family member. She started out the conversation like this,

“I have a lot of emotions and I don’t know how to say this”. (Bracing myself for the absolute worst)

She continues, “If you are serious about going on the mission trip to Nicaragua, we would like to pay for your trip.”

After several awkward moments of me sobbing in the phone…

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

I haven’t stopped crying since. I am overwhelmed.

Its only eight days, people. I know this.  I also came to terms a long time ago that my mission field is here for now. There are people groups here that God has for me. It’s not about the traveling.

I have been blessed with jobs that send me places. I have stayed in some of the best hotels and resorts. I have seen the mountains, the oceans, and the desserts. I have stood before memorials and rode all forms of public transportation. I have seen the beautiful sunsets in Hawaii. I have ran next to a rainbow over the ocean. I have been to Disney Land and Disney World. I have seen a lot of amazing places here in America.

But…

I’d trade all of that to give dignity and mobility to some of the poorest people in under developed countries by giving them a wheelchair. I’d give all of that up to see the well being built by the church so little girls don’t have to be sexually assaulted when they do laundry in the dry season. I’d give all of that back to see the local church thrive and lives changed because of Jesus.  I’d give it back to see the local churches thrive and lives changed by Jesus in the under developed world. 

I wasn’t disqualified. God had better timing for me. I took some detours, made up my own rules, and when I make a mistake, I make 'em big. 

 In youth group Wednesday night we read from Colossians 1. 

Paul says to church in Colossae:
 “Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation- if you continue in your faith, established and firm, and do not move from the hope held out in the gospel.”

I was once alienated and I made myself an enemy in my own mind. Many times I have asked God how he could still love me. He has reconciled me because He loves me. He sent a sacrifice of one man, his son, Jesus for me. For me, Christi Miller,  He didn’t say “now keep it together, Christi, or you are out”. He said continue in your faith and do not move from hope because of Jesus. When I lose my way, Jesus points me back. When I can't trust my heart, I trust Jesus. When I make mistakes and He knows I will, Jesus carries me home. 

So, twenty years later I will spend my 35^th birthday on my first mission trip. For twenty years I have found myself many times on my knees before the cross, with my head in the lap of grace, held by the arms of mercy, and constantly reminded that He is for me in His no, His wait, His timing, His forgiveness. 

For this, I am overwhelmed.

Anything

 

Three little kids came crashing into our life and I will never be the same. I have great facebook friends. I can post a need for someone and have it met in a week. It’s amazing. I love them.

It’s common for me to get a message like the one I got from my neighbor:

 “My friend is taking care of her three grandkids and they need clothes. Do you know anyone who has some?”  I post their sizes, pick them up, deliver them and go on.

Not this time. The little ones wanted to model their new clothes for me in their “favorite colors”. I listened to their  story from Grandma and I hurt for them. The little guy sat on my lap, put his head up against mine and rocked. He was shy at first and finally put on his little superman robe someone sent him. No words. No smile. Just one little intense stare from him.

The one we call “Squishy” grabbed my hand and said, “next time you come, can you bring us ice cream?”

Someone else sent some clothes and shoes and I had another reason to stop by. I asked Barney to stop at the store so we could show up with that ice cream.

My friend had delivered a toddler bed, more clothes, and boxes of toys. They wanted to model for us again. Grandma needed to get the house ready, she works nights, she appeared tired. I asked if we could take them to Sunday School. This became our Sunday ritual for a month. On Easter, Grandma went to church with us.  

People, we always run late. They came into our lives and we got up earlier and got them in class on time. The little guy snuggled with me during worship and worked his way back to class. We played with goats, played at my parents, made cookies, did a polar plunge. We fell in love. Our Sundays of naps, eating and laying around were now playing with these little guys.

I don’t usually ask little kids to come to my house. I have been cleaning up after kids for 14 years and adding more is not my forte. I don’t sign up for nursery because of the chaos, but I couldn’t wait to pick these guys up every week.

That first Sunday I was nervous how to ask if we could keep getting them. I thought about them all night. I was a little shocked that I enjoyed it so much and that I wanted to do it again. It was an overwhelming love for strangers, a love that brought me to my knees and to tears many times that week.

My girls got baby ducks for Easter. The first thing they said was I cannot wait to show the kids these. It was instant love for them too. We wrapped their new Bibles and Easter candy and took pictures together at church.

That Tuesday after Easter, because of the nature of the beast they, were placed in foster care. I left my house immediately to say goodbye. When I walked in they all yelled, “Its Sunday we are going to Sunday School”. Gut wrenching. I couldn’t speak through the tears to talk. I think they took 200 pictures of themselves on my phone that day while grandma packed their bags.

The two little girls got in the car and the little guy ran and put his arms around my legs. It was all I could do not to put him in my car and go. At that moment I don’t want to say ‘have fun’. I don’t want to say ‘see you soon’. I want to say ‘come home with me’.

The Sunday before I got the message to get clothes for these kids, I was reading Restless by Jennie Allen and getting my world rocked. We also had a missionary from Canada at our church talk about the struggle and trusting in God’s plan. I cried through his talk. There are days when I feel that I have no purpose, days I feel I have nothing to offer. I didn’t become a “missionary” like I had planned and the enemy knows how to use that. He reminds me often of the day we signed our own rights away. There are days I feel like everything I set out to do crumbles before me.

Barney asked me If I was prepared for the heartache. I was sure I could handle it. The heartache of watching that social worker’s car pull away with those three faces waving and smiling goodbye made me want to lock this heart up. The heartache I saw in telling my own kids why we can’t pick them up on Sundays anymore made me wonder why I put us in this situation. I open up the cabinet to get a cup and see the sippy cups and I cry. I try to tell people why they aren’t with us on Sunday and I cry. I wake up in the middle of the night and I think about them and I cry.  I write them on the prayer request card at church and I cry.

Yesterday someone asked me on facebook if I would ask for some clothes for some kids. Their mom had just gotten out of prison and they were staying with them. I met their sweet faces in the store and I realized my heart is still open, even if it’s still hurting.

My prayer is like Jennie’s other book I am reading, “Anything”.

Anything, Lord, I will do anything you ask.   And if Jesus asked me to open my heart up again tomorrow, I’d do it in a heartbeat.  I am not alive until I am poured out. I am not living unless I am sacrificing. I will love deeply despite the heartbreak. I will take risks if it matters for eternity.

In the midst of that heartache, I felt joy. In the midst of the unknown, I know who is faithful. I found pure and faultless religion. I found something beautiful in an unlikely place.

Pure and faultless religion is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress. – James 1:27

I know this story is not finished. I trust the Author, even when it's hard.

 

 

Come and See

I have had this blog rolling around in my head for quite some time. I have sat down to write it and I felt like God was saying I wasn’t ready to write it. The idea and theme were there but my heart was not in the right place to write it.

I got a new Bible at the beginning of the year. I called it my clean slate.  My prayer was that God would get rid of the “religious” stuff I knew and replace it with his heart.  Our community group bible study happens to be Jesus >Religion (I hope I got that right, I hated that little pac-man sign in school. I was like shouldn’t the arrow point and they were like no, the mouth bites.  Whatever.) I just wanted to know what Jesus said. I wanted to know what Jesus did. That’s it. I also happen to be reading a book by Shane Claiborne called “Irresistable Revolution”.

I am an absolute mess, a sponge, torn, wrestling, crying out to learn, hopeful, broken, and clinging to Jesus. It is beautiful.

I am wrestling with what I think I know and the truth that I am learning. I am a sponge for his words  and his walk. I am torn because I can’t get this religious robe off; sometimes it comes off the shoulders and gets caught at my waist. I am hopeful that God is leading me and I am broken because I’ve missed the mark so many times. I cling to Jesus because he knows where he’s taking me and my heart is prone to get lost.

I am studying John with ten thousand other women through IF Equip (find them on facebook, also If Gathering).  Some days I feel like I am meeting Jesus for the first time and some days I wonder how I could read the scripture and never see before.

You ready for this? It blew my mind.

³⁵ Again, the next day, John stood with two of his disciples. ³⁶ And looking at Jesus as He walked, he said, “Behold the Lamb of God!”

³⁷ The two disciples heard him speak, and they followed Jesus. ³⁸ Then Jesus turned, and seeing them following, said to them, “What do you seek?”

They said to Him, “Rabbi” (which is to say, when translated, Teacher), “where are You staying?”

³⁹ He said to them, “Come and see.” They came and saw where He was staying, and remained with Him that day (now it was about the tenth hour).

⁴⁰ One of the two who heard John speak, and followed Him, was Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother. ⁴¹ He first found his own brother Simon, and said to him, “We have found the Messiah” (which is translated, the Christ). ⁴² And he brought him to Jesus.

Now when Jesus looked at him, He said, “You are Simon the son of Jonah.^[a] You shall be called Cephas” (which is translated, A Stone). The following day Jesus wanted to go to Galilee, and He found Philip and said to him, “Follow Me.” ⁴⁴ Now Philip was from Bethsaida, the city of Andrew and Peter. ⁴⁵ Philip found Nathanael and said to him, “We have found Him of whom Moses in the law, and also the prophets, wrote—Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph.”

⁴⁶ And Nathanael said to him, “Can anything good come out of Nazareth?”

Philip said to him, “Come and see.”

⁴⁷ Jesus saw Nathanael coming toward Him, and said of him, “Behold, an Israelite indeed, in whom is no deceit!”

⁴⁸ Nathanael said to Him, “How do You know me?”

Jesus answered and said to him, “Before Philip called you, when you were under the fig tree, I saw you.”

⁴⁹ Nathanael answered and said to Him, “Rabbi, You are the Son of God! You are the King of Israel!”

⁵⁰ Jesus answered and said to him, “Because I said to you, ‘I saw you under the fig tree,’ do you believe? You will see greater things than these.” ⁵¹ And He said to him, “Most assuredly, I say to you, hereafter^[b] you shall see heaven open, and the angels of God ascending and descending upon the Son of Man.”

Do you want to know what Jesus is doing? Do you want to know where Jesus is going? Can anything good come from this?

Come and see. Follow Me.

He already saw you under the fig tree. You don’t find him. He’s not a religion we find. He found us. He’s not a religion with explanation and rules. You just come and see. You follow him.

I was not allowed to date Barney. I was not allowed to talk to him on the phone, but I loved Barney. So I would read him Romans Road (Some of my friends know what that is J). I wanted him to say a prayer so I could put my “saved” sticker on him and present him shiny and new to my parents. I did present my shiny new ring and my mom had to take a bath. (They love him now and they like him more than me. Haha!)

In Christianese I was a backslider. I saw myself as a missionary dater (christianese and not the best idea). I was living in sin. I was quite happy and in love until God literally woke me up one morning and said, “I did not call you to be a loser”.  Let’s be clear. There is conviction. God does discipline his children. He does remind us of the good he called us to.

So I nudged Barney and said, “I can’t marry you unless you go to church with me tomorrow”.

“Well, I am not. I am Catholic.” (Back then I believed unless you came to Jesus through a prayer in front of a church or a rally, you were lost. I also believed as long as you did that, life was good. I didn't see the follow me.)

I called my mom and told her I was coming to church. I asked her to pray for Barney. He finally agreed because I was serious about giving the ring back. I went to pick him up the next day and in true Barney fashion he decided against it. I thought for sure sleeping by himself would give him the want to. J I was ticked and he knew it, so he got in the car.

“Just pray the prayer” is what I was praying. He didn’t that week or the next or the next several weeks.

JUST GO FORWARD ALREADY!! (More Christianese for you)

A few months later the engagement was off and Barney was sitting in jail for 24 hours. Devastating. Heartbreaking. I felt like the whole world was saying, “I told you so. That boy is just a walk a way Joe” (unless you listened to country music in the 90’s that was completely stupid to you and not funny.)

Barney met Jesus that night in jail. Not only did he ask him to lead him but he grabbed the kid next to him that just killed his best friend in a car accident and shared what he knew about Jesus. Together they prayed for Jesus to lead them.

I tried to force Jesus on Barney. Jesus can’t be forced. He doesn’t grab you and make you do anything. You want to know how he works? Come and see. Follow Him. Barney watched this Jesus for weeks. He heard his message. In his darkest hour, Jesus said “I saw you under the fig tree.” I saw you in that cell. He saw me, like the woman at the well, hiding at the noon hour.  He said,” worship me in spirit and in truth, this isn’t the life I chose for you.”  (He’s done that more than once for me.)

Here lies my struggle. I am not sure if you can see it, but it’s getting more and more apparent. Maybe it’s the finger prints and the cracks that are beginning to show. Maybe it’s the shaking and the cracking, but the glass wall between us and them has to come down.

We (Christians) stand on our side and call our sin backsliding. We call our sin forgiven. We call our Jesus loving. We say hate the sin and love the sinner, but we picket sinners. We say pick up your cross but the world sees picket signs pressed up against the glass. We say serve and love but don’t serve the sinner, you should have a right to not let them in your business. We say forgive seventy times seven because that’s what Jesus said, but we keep a label on people after they fall.

We are scared to love certain groups of people because of the religious people that may be watching. I know. I struggle (present tense) with this. We forget to take the board out of our own eye to get the splinter out of theirs. We shine a light on their label and cover ours with “love”. Love covers a multitude of sins, unless I feel like uncovering yours and launching it at you. I am guilty.

I am taking off this robe. My picket sign is down. My cross, my light is going on. My fists are going to pound that glass that separates us and them until it comes down.

Jesus, friend of sinners.  Jesus, friend of prostitutes, tax collectors and the like. Jesus, drawing a line in the sand and telling the religious without sin to cast the first stone. If I follow this Jesus, shouldn’t I be friends with them too? Jesus said find that person of peace. In every “us and them” is a person of peace, a person that has ears to hear and a heart that listens (that goes both ways).

I am a prevention specialist. I wondered how in the world I could ever use that to serve the Kingdom. I work with communities to change programs, practices and policies to change for the better around alcohol and drugs. We also tackle addiction, suicide prevention, bullying etc. You name it and I rally the people to do it. I talk to leaders, community members, parents, stakeholders, government officials etc. and together sit at the table and cause change in our specific sectors. People tell me no and people join the party. We just keep moving.

Today that light came on. We cannot change for the better as a community of Jesus followers until we change our practices and policies. We all have sectors (parts of the body) that we can cause change.  God keeps putting those kinds of Followers in my path. The wall is coming down.

I read this quote from our Bible Study book and it rang through my head for weeks.

“While the blood is on our hands, Jesus’ perfect sacrifice calls out for our innocence. Free to go. Not guilty”...

That’s how I want to see other people. In the midst of their sin, (because Lord knows I struggle with my own) Jesus in his sacrifice, is crying out for their innocence.

I don’t have to “fix” anyone. You want to know this Jesus I love, this Jesus that loves you, this Jesus that took the sin of the world and placed it on him in your place?

Come and See. Jesus doesn't need me to fight for him. He didn't need Peter to cut off the soldiers ear before he was arrested. He just asked me to follow him, take up my cross, and let my light shine.