The Fighter in Me

The other morning I didn’t want to get out of bed and it wasn’t because I was tired. I was wide awake. I didn’t want to face the day. I could see the dark cloud looming for the last couple of weeks. I have the felt the cold wind across my heart and the tiredness take rest on my soul. It’s not life altering events that weigh me down, but daily pinpricks the enemy likes to use to wear us down. They come obnoxiously day after day.

Pinpricks come in all forms from family relations, to financial concerns, to coworkers and fellow church members, to people wanting to keep your past in the present. It can be constant complaining and never doing, thoughts about ourselves and fears of what other people think. Jealousy and bitterness like to prick the soul.  My own sin and lack of discipline can pinprick me and the enemy sits back for the show. My soul can become downcast with the cares of this life, the hurt caused by others, and the detours of the journey. 

As I was lying there I was reminded of a verse that caught my attention almost a year ago. In Matthew 11:12 it says, from the days of John the Baptist until now, the Kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it. The gospel has always been a forceful presence with people pressing in from the time John the Baptist began sharing the coming Kingdom of Jesus and Jesus fulfilling that ministry. People pressed in to hear the good news and hope of the gospel. The word spread and people flocked to him. They pressed into him, sought after him and some violently opposed him.

I lived with a paralyzing fear for much of my young adult life. It was conquered through his word and set free by his grace. I also battled debilitating depression created by immense stress that found me wishing for an end. It was conquered by hope and set free by faith.  The enemy tried to use a man in a mask to bring back that fear and he has used daily pinpricks to hover me with depression. I had to press in and I had to lay hold of his promise for me.

The Bible says he makes our crooked ways straight and the mountains will be made low. It doesn’t promise the journey will never curve or mountains will never have to be climbed. He promises in Romans 8:28 that he will use all things for good to those that love the Lord. All things include my sins, my fears, my failure, my heartaches not just the good that I do or the bad that I refrain from. In James he tells us tou count it all joy when we fall into trials. Knowing the testing of your faith brings patience.

The enemy wants to pinprick us to stop advancing the hope of the good news we share, and what he has taught me this year is I have to come up swinging. I have to be forceful and purposeful. I can be paralyzed and depressed or I can come up swinging. Proverbs says that a righteous man falls 7 times and gets up again.

I have a fighter in me. I am not fighting people or systems. I am fighting mental and emotional road blocks, schemes of the enemy and my own human nature. I know I am more than a conqueror because of the power of the God I serve. I am not afraid of arrows (masked men or the fiery darts of man's words) that fall by night. I am covered and protected under his wing. I have to stay forceful and purposeful in forgiveness, mercy, and grace because 2 Corinthians 2:11 says, so that satan will not outsmart us, for we are familiar with his evil schemes. Whenever his schemes arise I remember that God has a much bigger plan for me. I am not defeated and he reminds me when I least expect it.

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. Genesis 50:20

I shared my need to come up swinging with some friends of mine in a Facebook group. I received messages from some of them telling me of their own need to fight in various areas of life. They shared how the enemy had used his pinpricks and schemes to weigh them down. They are coming up swinging too.  We fight negative thoughts, bad reports, rock throwers, and fear with God’s word not our own. Sometimes my tongue hurts from biting it and many times I find myself at the mercy of forgiveness because, if not tamed, my tongue is runs wild and does its damage.

I pray you have the hope in him that draws you to your feet when the enemy knocks you to your knees. I pray you have the fight in you that advances that hope into the lives of others. We are not defeated though we become weary in the battle. He sends his helper, he sends his people, he sends his word, but most of all he wants to send you to advance the hope we have in him. Some days quitting seems easy, but Hope will always whisper, “do it one more time”.

 

My shirt says "you've got what it takes but its going to take everything you've got." We have it inside of us. He that is in us is greater than He that is in the world. 1 John 4:4

The Sound of Mercy

I just stood there praying that God would help me to handle whatever reaction I was going to get. The silence was screaming and my heart was giving me the pounding I so deserved on the outside.  I am too old to be making these kind of mistakes. I not only know better but I teach to do better.  That would be a later conversation between myself and God. Maybe he too was embarrassed I said his name and posted his verses and continued to fall flat on my face every turn I made. Right now my public life is not matching up with my private life and I am broken. 

I am waiting for Barney to respond and my head is lowered and it my heart is so heavy.  “Lord help me not to be defensive or make excuses or any sort of justification”.  Barney leans towards me and lifts my chin, puts his hands gently on the back of my neck and pulls me in and says,“I am standing here praying and asking God to give me the response he would give and the words to the song Forgiveness are playing over and over in my head. I can’t hate you and I can’t be mad at you.  I forgive you and I love you and I can see that you are hurting.”

He’s holding me and I am the one that hurt him. I can’t fathom it and it would have been easier had he lost his cool or told me I took it too far this time. I would have understood if he packed his bag and slept somewhere else for the night or the rest of his life. He could have asked me to create a sign and write “Hello My name is Christi Miller and I am a phony, walking hypocrite” to put on facebook or stand on the court house lawn to absorb the ridicule I deserved. Instead he handed me Mercy and he held me with Grace and then he wept over me. That moment will be forever etched in my heart.

A few years ago I called my dad to tell him I was working on getting the money that I owed him when we went through our own financial hell. It’s a substantial amount. Humiliation and shame don’t cover the emotions I went through. It had been eating at us and we didn’t want him to think we didn’t remember we had a debt to pay. “Christi, it’s canceled. It’s gone. You don’t owe me any money. Consider it paid. I love you guys.” When I first called to tell him we were in trouble he sent me an email that I still have. He too had been there and he promised we would make it through. He never judged me. I am sure I wore out my welcome but he never said. I stopped by every night on my way home because I was safe from the accuser in my head when dad was there. When I couldn’t go one more day and thought the bottom would surely fall out he called me and read these  verses he found for me:

 ² Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. ³ He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. ⁴ Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. ⁵ Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you.  – Deuteronomy  8:2-5

I am the bride that receives Mercy I don’t deserve and the daughter that receives Grace I cannot pay. I am the Bride of Jesus who shows me Mercy and the daughter He pours out his Grace upon.  I cannot scrub myself clean enough, or erase the mistakes fast enough, I am waiting for the blow of his arm he will never send. I cannot pay the debt I owe by working harder or being better. The sound of his Mercy is calming to my soul. His hand of Grace is gentle and pulls me close to him.

I often find myself in the seat of Judge. Nobody told me I could sit there. Every now and then I try it on for size and roll the stones around in my pockets. I then share it with the gossip jury and we detail the sanctions. We lay out our stones to be thrown enjoying the wincing and squirming from our position all the while forgetting what we have been forgiven of.

 Jesus, however, went to the Mount of Olives. At daybreak he appeared again in the Temple, and all the people came to him. So he sat down and began to teach them. But the scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery. After setting her before them, they told him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the very act of adultery. Now in the Law, Moses commanded us to stone such women to death. What do you say?” They said this to test him, so that they might have a charge against him. But Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with his finger.

When they persisted in questioning him, he straightened up and told them, “Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Then he bent down again and continued writing on the ground. When they heard this, they went away one by one, beginning with the oldest and he was left alone with the woman standing there. Then Jesus stood up and asked her, “Dear lady, where are your accusers? Hasn’t anyone condemned you?”

“No one, sir,” she replied. Then Jesus said, “I don’t condemn you, either. Go home, and from now on don’t sin anymore.”

The Law of Moses says I too should be stoned. I have broken the Ten Commandments beyond coveting and have done so as a believer and teacher of God’s word. The God of second chances has cleaned the dirt off my face more times than I can count, protected me from stones I should have felt, and redeemed me from the hell I deserve. I am replacing my stones with grace and mercy. I pray God helps me to carry them everywhere I go. I am staying out of the seat of Judge and going in with the broken. I am praying that he will use me to write in the dirt and help send the accuser away.

But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. – James 3:17

 When I meet you I hope you feel his grace and see his goodness. When I talk to you I hope you hear his love and the sound of his mercy. When I leave you I hope you take his salvation and not because of what I have done but because you have see what He can do with broken vessels.

 Who is a God like you? You forgive sin and overlook the rebellion of your faithful people. You will not be angry forever, because you would rather show mercy. – Micah 7:18

 A song of mercy by one of my favorite artists, Bebo Norman.

http://youtu.be/CaJelws8MgA

Do Hard Things

We spent $15 a bracelet for four kids to ride carnival rides for four hours at the Wathena Fall Festival. It's the final highlight of the summer for the girls. As we were standing in line and the girls were pairing up to ride with friends or each other Barney's cousin's little boy ran up to Morgan and asked to ride with her. Morgan is the tallest of my girls and the third one. She has the most compassionate heart and loves little kids. She turned and walked away without speaking to him. I was irritated to say the least. I could not get her to get on that ride with him and I told her she was being rude and I was embarrassed. She stood her ground and refused to get on. I asked what she wanted to ride and she said nothing. I assumed she was mad because no one else asked her or she didn't want to go on this ride so I was less than patient with her. Barney told me to drop it, but I don't. One thing I hate is rudeness and the other close runner-up is pouting because you don't get your way. I am the only female in the house that has a pass to do that. I was going to win this argument. I told her we would just go home if she was going to pout all night and she said, "lets go". Crap. Not what I wanted to do. I turned to Barney and told him I wasn't sure why we wasted money to bring kids that don't appreciate it. It was less than lovely sounding and he told me to keep it down I was making an ass out of myself.

I spent the next few minutes bugging Morgan and it finally spilled. She was too scared. Too scared? Morgan you rode roller coasters at Disney World. Granted I lied and told her they were like riding a train, but I didn't want her to miss out. She survived and liked it. I tried to get her to remember how much fun we had. She wasn't budging. I was wondering what the heck she would do for four hours. She is 8 and as tall as a middle school student. She doesn't exaclty fit in the kiddie rides. I resorted to bribes..a game, a toy, $5, anything. Barney still embarrassed I was being relentless told me to go where there were less people. Morgan and I sat on the wall by City Hall and I reminded her of all the scary things she had done. Grandma even offered to ride with her. Finally, she caved and she asked me to get on with her. We slid in our car and buckled up. Smiled for a picture She held my hand, closed her eyes and shook. The ride took off and her lip quivered and her eyes welled up with tears.  I just talked about anything. I slowly lowered and lifted our car, she kept her eyes closed. She opened them and asked me to promise not to lift the car the whole time. I told her I already had been. She looked around and we were above the crowd and she could look down. She let out the air she had been holding and started to relax. She finally smiled at the end of the ride. We started to get off and I told her I was sorry for being mean about it. She said, "Mommy you weren't mean. Thank you for making me I am not scared anymore."

Five years ago Morgan and I rode a ride when she was three. She's tall for her age. The guy said she would do fine. It took all I had to keep her in the car. She almost flew out of the Octopus three times that day. I had to sit on her. Her fear is not irrational, but it was holding her back. I didn't want her to miss out.

Lauren is my oldest. We are not naturally athletic. We don't have family history of winning trophies or breaking records. We play for fun and we have to work hard. Sports is not her thing but in small town America it's a fun way to hang out with all of your friends. She came home the first day of practice with her head down. She couldn't get her serve to even touch the net. She would probably be on the C team and she was disappointed. One thing I tell my kids is that attitude and determination can make or break you. A lesson I learned a little late in life.  I reminded her to practice every day. I bought her a volleyball. She made the B team. She can dig out a ball and makes pretty good passes. I showed up a few minutes late to her game last week. It's a long drive and I had to wait for the girls to get off the bus. Barney had a visitation to attend. I walked in as Lauren missed the last serve of the B team and they lost. I saw her smile and say "oh well" and hug another player. She was quickly scolded by another girl for not caring. If I know Lauren she cares. She's not going to let it eat her. I remember thinking I could have stayed home to get work done but would stay to cheer on the A team. Afterall, we drove an hour and we paid to get in. Lauren ran over to me and I pulled out my wallet to give her money. She leaned over and whispered she would be suiting up A Team. I told Morgan we better get a diet pepsi and some popcorn. I had the nervous munchies. Lauren started the first game. She never subbed out. She played the full second game. She missed some and she made some good plays. I ate the whole bag of popcorn and shook my leg like a dog for an hour. I think I finally breathed in the car. I told her to move her feet more next time and congratulations.  I did like any mother would do. I got in the car, drove away and cried. She did it. She worked hard. She kept a good attitude and did more than she ever thought possible. Is she the best player? No. Are there others who are good, better? Yes. She was asked by another player, "Why the (not nice word) did you get picked to play A Team." Why didn't she?  Attitude and determination will make or break you.

Rio is our new addition to the family Haley is my second oldest and she has loved horses since the first day she laid on eyes on them. She was given a free horse and she could hardly sleep for weeks. She had lots of plans for Rio. She was going to ride him and hang out with him every day. Rio is a massive animal. It's not like walking a dog or holding a cat. They turn and eat when they want to. Neither Barney or I are horse people. We are all learning. I noticed Haley would ask us to lead him. She would feed him, pet him, brush him, but she would never lead him. She was scared. She wouldn't ride him without us leading him. She let his size and sometimes stubborn attitude terrify her. You get the point by now. Haley will lead Rio and no we will not do it for her. She has to show him she is in control. She will fake it until she makes it and will develop those muscles.



I was 23, married for 4 years, mother of two with one on the way before I every walked in to my own home after dark alone. Barney worked nights so I had to be strategic. I came home before dark, drove around until he got home, or stayed with my parents until he got there. Few people knew. It was a crippling fear I had since I was a kid. My first night I decided to do it. I walked from the car with Lauren and Haley in my arms and said "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" over and over until I made it in the house, checked every bed and flipped on every light. I even go to Wal-Mart at night alone now.

There are hard things God has called us to do. Hard things I feel him tug on my heart and tell me to do or to say. The what-if's scare me, the process scares me, the people scare me and my own failure scare me. God says Go. He knows the nay-sayers, he knows the mockers, the self-righteous, the legalistic, he knows all the reasons why I am not qualified or should be disqualified, he knows my past, he knows my present, he knows my sins, my hang ups, and he still says Go.

He wants to know who will go. He's looking at our heart, not our qualifications.

Isaiah 6:8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”

And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”

He promises that he "has not give us a spirit of fear but of power and love and
 of sound mine (2 Timothy 1:7)

I don't know what your hard thing is. It may seem easy to others but it's your hard thing. I have mine and maybe it's easy for you. He promises to go with us.  Right after he tells us to go in Matthew he says..
"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age" Matthew 28:19

He's sitting in that carnival ride car, he's coaching you, he's letting you take the reigns without ever leaving his sight or his care.He qualifies you and equips you.

Our Worth Comes Not in Size but in Soul

A friend asked if I would share a blog for moms on why I have spent the last year on this health journey. I tried several times to sit down to write, and nothing. I usually write about a life lesson and then apply the scripture to it. That’s not what this blog was to be about and I was stumped on how to start.

I was looking for a book today. As I scanned the bookshelf I noticed a diet book, then another, and another, and another. I forgot what I was looking for and started to pull every diet book from the shelves. Fifteen. I grabbed fifteen diet books in a matter of seconds. It suddenly struck me that the message I thought I communicated to four girls was not always the message they received. The pile of books sitting on my kitchen table right now is a reminder of my desperate attempt to be skinny. Healthy never crossed my mind before. I just wanted to know what foods, actually what combination of foods would cause me to drop the weight the fastest.

Every Sunday night I sat down with a health magazine, diet book or Woman’s World Article that said if I followed this plan I could drop thirty pounds by Labor Day just like this lady. I spent grocery money I didn’t have to waste on foods I probably wouldn’t prepare. I went to work on Monday hungry and came home grouchy. I would work out and then sit on the couch and study the plan to make sure I crossed every t. By Thursday I had eaten a forbidden food or combination thereof and decided to forgo the whole process and start over the next Monday. In the mean time some new diet would be on the shelves.  It was a cycle I was trapped in for years. Eight years to be exact and it’s humiliating to admit.

I realize now the message I sent to my girls and it sounded something like this: “I am ugly because I am overweight. I cannot go places because I am overweight. I am angry because I am overweight. I am sad because I am overweight. I cannot enjoy food because I am overweight. If you eat too much you have to punish your body for days.  You will never be good enough if you are overweight.” I didn’t say those things, I demonstrated them and the last one breaks my heart.

A year ago in November I joined a challenge. I am not gonna lie, I joined to be skinny. We worked out with home based videos and drank a health shake for one meal. We posted in a secret facebook accountability page daily. My group of ladies decided to share our before pictures. I cried. We bonded. Two of us stuck it out. I worked out 6 days a week for 90 days. Some days I did a double workout because I work from home and needed out. Those days I went to Zumba. I took my month one pictures and cried. I didn’t see a big difference and the weight was sticking to me refusing to jump off. My coach said to measure and not to focus on the scale. Month two people were noticing and I had energy. Month three I posted my pictures on facebook and committed to help others. I lost four dress sizes. There were days I wanted to quit and days I thought it was a waste of my time, but I was determined to be a finisher. 

I haven’t measured myself since the 90 day mark. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. I get asked all the time how much weight I lost and I cringe and then make up a number. From now on I will answer honestly. I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. I workout six days a week and its non-negotiable. It’s for me. I need it and they know it. Nobody complains anymore. I don’t feel guilty. It’s for the good of the order. J

 We eat healthy meals and some days we go out for ice cream. Some days I really don't want to exercise.  Some days I would much rather have a bowl of ice cream and watch an episode of Real Housewives and disconnect from my own reality, but I do it anyway.  I work out for the mood enhancers. I am nicer. I can eat a cupcake and not starve myself for 24 hours following it. I am not obsessing over calories or eliminating foods. I eat normal. I eat 5-6 small meals a day. I eat a good carb, lean protein and healthy fat each meal.  I have a good cheat meal once a week and if someone offers me something I taste it. I am not afraid of it. I am living life and it’s never been better.  I love the energy I have. I love that my oldest was inspired to run her first 5k with me at the age of 12. I love that my 8 year old reminds me to buy apples because they are healthy and will make us feel good. Food is fuel. Exercise is my therapy. Beauty is not measured by a machine or a dress size. Our worth comes not in size but in soul.

 I am raising the next generation of girls and the messages they are bombarded with are hard to combat. They don’t need me adding more pain to the package. I had babies, earned stretch marks, have dimples on the wrong cheeks, but I don’t hate me anymore. My body is my temple and I take care of it for reasons far greater than a bikini. I have lives to invest in. I have people to meet and places to see. I want to be in photos for my kids not hiding.  What started out as a desperate attempt to be skinny turned into a journey of health, a little self discovery and different messaging from the messenger.  

Life on Purpose

I created this blog awhile ago and I had nothing except what I wanted the name to be, Life on Purpose. I have spent so many years being reactive or rebounding. I struggled waiting for my ship of happiness to come to the shore so I could jump on and take off. I just found myself circling the beach and never enjoying the water.

I was supposed to be laid off last November from my grant paid job due to it not being renewed. I planned to spend my unemployment getting my life together, organizing my house, losing weight, and joining a month long novel writing club. I ended up being offered an extension on the grant. I have to be honest, even in the midst of cleaning up our own finances and the present state of the economy, I cried. I had a plan to get my life in order and now I was going to be employed? I know I sound ridiculous, but haven't you ever looked forward to a fresh start? Anyway, I decided that I had already joined that novel writing club so I was going for it and I did. I wrote 50.000 words about a fictional character based on my own experiences. Wow, it was therapy in a computer.  I decided to take the Beachbody Challenge and go for it. I have lost almost 40 pounds and joined as a coach to help others do the same. I became a certified TurboKick instructor and plan to teach classes locally. I started cleaning out closest and getting rid of clutter. I started making to do lists every day and getting it done. I started to feel more alive than I had in a long time and the sense of accomplishment fueled my energy and desire to go after more.

I remember the day I found out my grant was extended. I fake smiled and walked to my office, put my head on my desk and prayed. Ok, it was a little choked up prayer.  I remember telling God I was disappointed but I trusted He had the ultimate plan. I remember telling Him how I wanted to do all these things and I couldn't be a the mom I wanted going to an office every day and I needed to be home. I still remember the prayer I prayed in tears that night when I went to bed. I had been praying to be a stay at home mom since I was pregnant with Morgan. That would be 8 years of praying. A few weeks later I was contacted and offered a new job working in my home state, Kansas, and I now I work from my home office. I still stop and thank Him and feel moved that He is mindful of me.
What does this have to do with living a life on purpose? Sometimes we are so busy feeling sorry for what we don't have yet that we fail to live. We live in this semi (or fully) depressed life cycle that nothing makes us happy until we get what we think we need and we fail to live life. I failed to live life. I didn't have to wait to write that novel until I was laid off. I wrote it working 40 hours in an office a week with 4 kids and still managed to cook decent meals. I lost weight that first month still working full time in an office away from my home. God heard me 8 years ago. God heard me in November. I don't know his plan for me, but I trust his method.

I wonder how many times He urged me to live life on purpose and I just wallowed in pity and missed the beautiful moments because I was too busy waiting for something God said I wasn't ready for. I wonder where I would be now if I had spent every day believing I had a purpose and started going after my goals. I wonder where I would be if I tended my own grass instead longing for someone else's "greener" grass.

I attended my cousin, Will's, funeral about a month ago. I heard the stories friends and family shared about his love and devotion. I listened to the tales of his adventures hiking mountains, riding bikes and taking life by the horns, even with stage 4 cancer. We have always lived miles a part and there is a decade of an age gap so we weren't very close, but I was so moved by the legacy that he left that it has left an imprint on my heart. I knew immediately that Will lived a Life on Purpose and that I have no excuse not to. Will inspired me. This weekend a group of his friends and family, including my parents, participated in the Holland 100. A 100 mile bicycle ride. Many drove hours to get there in order to celebrate and honor his life and his love for them. I want to be loved like that. I want to leave an imprint like that. I want to love on purpose, help on purpose, reach out on purpose, slow down on purpose, pray on purpose...I want Life on Purpose so I have to live on purpose. My ship won't come in. I have to build it.