Freshmen year. I took my seat in my English class. I really
liked English in junior high. We had a great teacher. He was tough and funny
but you learned. He was one of those teachers that makes an impact on you. He
used to say “this is not Troy America there is more to the world than Troy and
I don’t care who your daddy is”. You always felt like you mattered in his
class. I learned how to diagram
sentences and understood past, present, future perfect tense. I just wish I
could still remember. Notice my first sentence is a fragment, but it’s my blog
and I like it. I took a look around and immediately wondered where all of my
friends were.
Why was I the only
one of us in this class? The teacher got up and explained that we were split
into two groups as freshmen, college bound and non –college bound. I was in the
non-college bound class. My ears ringing from my own humiliation and my mind
racing because I had all A’s and a few B’s my entire life. How did I get in here?
It must be a mistake. I should tell her.
“I think I am in the wrong class. I should be downstairs. I
have had all A’s and B’s and I did really well in English.”
“No, you are supposed to be in here. Step outside in the
hallway.”
I am pretty sure my lip was quivering by now and there was
no way I was going to keep the tears in my eyes, they were balancing on the
rim.
“Christi, your parents didn’t go to college so you are in
this class. It was no mistake. That’s how we split you.”
There’s an injustice bell that rings loudly in the back of
my ears and it was so loud I don’t think I could even speak an audible
sentence.
“I am not staying in your classroom. I need to call my dad.”
I was moved to the class I belonged. I carried that bruise the next four years.
My freshmen year came off the heels of the worst junior high
years in the history of man. That’s what I believed anyway. Every field trip,
every video, every photo that had a horse, donkey or beaver and the boys would
erupt in a loud yell of my name from sixth grade on. Even with braces on I
would get it. I endured constant and relentless humiliation day in and day out
in the halls, in the classroom, on a field trip, I learned to have the first
laugh and not the last.
Some girlfriends
weren’t too kind themselves. I hated school.
“I like to stand next to Christi because she makes me look
prettier.”
You are ugly. You aren’t good enough. That’s what I heard.
It doesn’t get any easier the older I get.
“Congratulations on your engagement. When is your baby due?”
Probably the moment in my 19 year old life I realized adults are just as catty
as teenage girls.
“Working moms are the fall of society”, said my former Women’s
Sunday school teacher when I was the only working mom in the room.
“We aren’t going to support the work Christi is doing, we know
how she acted in high school.” Really, I have been out 15 years.
“How did you get the job? You didn’t finish your bachelors.”
Sadly, it’s not just me.
As part of my job we conducted some Focus Groups in some
area high schools. One of the young men said it didn’t matter to the community
or to the teachers what he did or if he got in trouble, it would only matter if
one of the other kids did. He was expected to fail. My pen stopped taking notes
and I remembered thinking, “who told him that”?
Who decides if you aren’t good enough, not smart enough, not
pretty enough? Who decides what you are worthy of? Do we only root for
underdogs in the movies and not cheer them on in real life? Why do we choose to believe it?
My boss that helped
me get the promotion I didn’t have the degree for called me in her office one
day. She told me to keep my eyes focused. Ignore the naysayers. “You are going
to be somebody, Christi.”
Do you know how many times those words played over and over
in my head? Somebody breathed life into me. I started attending church as an
adult and really listened to the stories. I heard them loud and clear for the
first time. They became deeper than my Sunday School Lessons as a little girl.
David: A nobody shepherd,
called by God, he slays the enemy with a slingshot and a rock. He becomes the
King. Jesus comes from his family.
Joseph: Hated because of the jealousy of his brothers and sold
into slavery. Every turn of his life seems like a dead end. Did he know God was
going to set him high?
Noah: Known as the town fool for building a massive boat
when it had never rained. He stayed the course.
Daniel: His relationship with the Lord was more important
than death and he was untouched in the Lion’s den. He was sentenced to die for
not worshipping the King but the Lions couldn’t open their mouths.
Paul: Persecuted and killed Christians. He meets Jesus on
the road to Damascus and goes on to preach, teach and write much of the New
Testament. Your past doesn’t matter to
Jesus.
Don’t worry ladies:
Esther: Saved her people from the evil schemes of Haman and
saved the people of Israel from their death sentence. Just for approaching the King without permission she could have been put to death. She went forward with courage.
I could go on and on but this is a blog that tends to turn
into short stories. J
I once had a lady come up to me at a women’s conference I
did not know and she said she felt like she was supposed to share a verse with
me.
The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you; he will quiet you by his love (calm your
fears). He will rejoice over you with singing. ~ Zephaniah 3:17.
She said, “sometimes
you will wonder why you are here and God will show you”.
I wondered if she knew just weeks before, in the midst of
the financial storm we were in and my overwhelming guilt; I drove 45 miles from
my office to the prayer room at Word of Life Church and sat on the pew for four
hours. Did she know the voices screaming in my head telling me to drive that
van into the next semi? Did she know how many nights I woke up in tears looking
at my failed attempt at life? Maybe not, but He heard me. He sent someone to
speak life into me.
Who said? Who said you are a failure? Who said you are ugly?
Who said you are too fat? Who said you are too dumb? Who said you won’t matter?
I read an article of the trucker in DeKalb that prostituted
that little girl from Missouri to Texas and he told her no one would care about
her death because she is a black prostitute.
No sir, someone in Blair Kansas has prayed daily for her.
Prayed that every sick lie and broken thing you did would be healed.
But now, this is what the LORD says-- he who created you,
he who formed you,: "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned
you by name; you are mine. ~Isaiah 43:1
Who are you going to listen to? The enemy is constantly lurking
to see how he can destroy what God is building. What lies can he get us to believe?
Our Easter sermon was about the tomb. Jesus conquered death
that day. He took the keys from satan and he won. We won. If Death, of all
things, is no longer final than our situations are not final. What people have
said and done to us are not final.
My sister has sent me books like “Sweet and Bitter
Providence” by John Piper at just the moment I needed them. She has called me with verses or just to say she's praying. Life is hard, God is still good.
Tragedy and evil do exist, but he promises to work all things out for good for those who love him. I don't always understand. Numerous
times she called me with life at the very moment I needed it. God knows. He
needs us to listen. You never know when you are going to be the light in the
midst of someone’s dark.
The Bible is full of redemption and lives repurposed. God is not finished. We have to cling to His word and meditate on his promises. We have to choose who and what we are going to listen to and sometimes, we have to get away from the complainers. Stay focused. Run your race. You may fall, you may get knocked down, but we win. He has called you by name. He has redeemed you. He has summoned you. He has already seen the finished product. Don't look back. Run. Your. Race. Let your light shine.
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to
accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. ~ Genesis 50:20
