A friend asked if I would share a blog for moms on why I
have spent the last year on this health journey. I tried several times to sit
down to write, and nothing. I usually write about a life lesson and then apply
the scripture to it. That’s not what this blog was to be about and I was
stumped on how to start.
I was looking for a book today. As I scanned the bookshelf I
noticed a diet book, then another, and another, and another. I forgot what I
was looking for and started to pull every diet book from the shelves. Fifteen.
I grabbed fifteen diet books in a matter of seconds. It suddenly struck me that
the message I thought I communicated to four girls was not always the message
they received. The pile of books sitting on my kitchen table right now is a
reminder of my desperate attempt to be skinny. Healthy never crossed my mind
before. I just wanted to know what foods, actually what combination of foods
would cause me to drop the weight the fastest.
Every Sunday night I sat down with a health magazine, diet
book or Woman’s World Article that said if I followed this plan I could drop
thirty pounds by Labor Day just like this lady. I spent grocery money I didn’t
have to waste on foods I probably wouldn’t prepare. I went to work on Monday
hungry and came home grouchy. I would work out and then sit on the couch and
study the plan to make sure I crossed every t. By Thursday I had eaten a
forbidden food or combination thereof and decided to forgo the whole process and
start over the next Monday. In the mean time some new diet would be on the
shelves. It was a cycle I was trapped in
for years. Eight years to be exact and it’s humiliating to admit.
I realize now the message I sent to my girls and it sounded
something like this: “I am ugly because I am overweight. I cannot go places
because I am overweight. I am angry because I am overweight. I am sad because I
am overweight. I cannot enjoy food because I am overweight. If you eat too much
you have to punish your body for days. You will never be good enough if you are
overweight.” I didn’t say those things, I demonstrated them and the last one
breaks my heart.
A year ago in November I joined a challenge. I am not gonna
lie, I joined to be skinny. We worked out with home based videos and drank a
health shake for one meal. We posted in a secret facebook accountability page
daily. My group of ladies decided to share our before pictures. I cried. We
bonded. Two of us stuck it out. I worked out 6 days a week for 90 days. Some
days I did a double workout because I work from home and needed out. Those days
I went to Zumba. I took my month one pictures and cried. I didn’t see a big
difference and the weight was sticking to me refusing to jump off. My coach
said to measure and not to focus on the scale. Month two people were noticing
and I had energy. Month three I posted my pictures on facebook and committed to
help others. I lost four dress sizes. There were days I wanted to quit and days
I thought it was a waste of my time, but I was determined to be a finisher.
I haven’t measured myself since the 90 day mark. It doesn’t
matter to me anymore. I get asked all the time how much weight I lost and I
cringe and then make up a number. From now on I will answer honestly. I don’t
know and it doesn’t matter. I workout six days a week and its non-negotiable.
It’s for me. I need it and they know it. Nobody complains anymore. I don’t feel
guilty. It’s for the good of the order. J
We eat healthy meals
and some days we go out for ice cream. Some days I really don't want to
exercise. Some days I would much rather
have a bowl of ice cream and watch an episode of Real Housewives and disconnect
from my own reality, but I do it anyway. I work out for the mood enhancers. I am nicer.
I can eat a cupcake and not starve myself for 24 hours following it. I am not
obsessing over calories or eliminating foods. I eat normal. I eat 5-6 small
meals a day. I eat a good carb, lean protein and healthy fat each meal. I have a good cheat meal once a week and if
someone offers me something I taste it. I am not afraid of it. I am living life
and it’s never been better. I love the
energy I have. I love that my oldest was inspired to run her first 5k with me
at the age of 12. I love that my 8 year old reminds me to buy apples because
they are healthy and will make us feel good. Food is fuel. Exercise is my
therapy. Beauty is not measured by a machine or a dress size. Our worth comes
not in size but in soul.
I am raising the next
generation of girls and the messages they are bombarded with are hard to
combat. They don’t need me adding more pain to the package. I had babies,
earned stretch marks, have dimples on the wrong cheeks, but I don’t hate me
anymore. My body is my temple and I take care of it for reasons far greater
than a bikini. I have lives to invest in. I have people to meet and places to
see. I want to be in photos for my kids not hiding. What started out as a desperate attempt to be
skinny turned into a journey of health, a little self discovery and different
messaging from the messenger.
