The Fighter in Me

The other morning I didn’t want to get out of bed and it wasn’t because I was tired. I was wide awake. I didn’t want to face the day. I could see the dark cloud looming for the last couple of weeks. I have the felt the cold wind across my heart and the tiredness take rest on my soul. It’s not life altering events that weigh me down, but daily pinpricks the enemy likes to use to wear us down. They come obnoxiously day after day.

Pinpricks come in all forms from family relations, to financial concerns, to coworkers and fellow church members, to people wanting to keep your past in the present. It can be constant complaining and never doing, thoughts about ourselves and fears of what other people think. Jealousy and bitterness like to prick the soul.  My own sin and lack of discipline can pinprick me and the enemy sits back for the show. My soul can become downcast with the cares of this life, the hurt caused by others, and the detours of the journey. 

As I was lying there I was reminded of a verse that caught my attention almost a year ago. In Matthew 11:12 it says, from the days of John the Baptist until now, the Kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it. The gospel has always been a forceful presence with people pressing in from the time John the Baptist began sharing the coming Kingdom of Jesus and Jesus fulfilling that ministry. People pressed in to hear the good news and hope of the gospel. The word spread and people flocked to him. They pressed into him, sought after him and some violently opposed him.

I lived with a paralyzing fear for much of my young adult life. It was conquered through his word and set free by his grace. I also battled debilitating depression created by immense stress that found me wishing for an end. It was conquered by hope and set free by faith.  The enemy tried to use a man in a mask to bring back that fear and he has used daily pinpricks to hover me with depression. I had to press in and I had to lay hold of his promise for me.

The Bible says he makes our crooked ways straight and the mountains will be made low. It doesn’t promise the journey will never curve or mountains will never have to be climbed. He promises in Romans 8:28 that he will use all things for good to those that love the Lord. All things include my sins, my fears, my failure, my heartaches not just the good that I do or the bad that I refrain from. In James he tells us tou count it all joy when we fall into trials. Knowing the testing of your faith brings patience.

The enemy wants to pinprick us to stop advancing the hope of the good news we share, and what he has taught me this year is I have to come up swinging. I have to be forceful and purposeful. I can be paralyzed and depressed or I can come up swinging. Proverbs says that a righteous man falls 7 times and gets up again.

I have a fighter in me. I am not fighting people or systems. I am fighting mental and emotional road blocks, schemes of the enemy and my own human nature. I know I am more than a conqueror because of the power of the God I serve. I am not afraid of arrows (masked men or the fiery darts of man's words) that fall by night. I am covered and protected under his wing. I have to stay forceful and purposeful in forgiveness, mercy, and grace because 2 Corinthians 2:11 says, so that satan will not outsmart us, for we are familiar with his evil schemes. Whenever his schemes arise I remember that God has a much bigger plan for me. I am not defeated and he reminds me when I least expect it.

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. Genesis 50:20

I shared my need to come up swinging with some friends of mine in a Facebook group. I received messages from some of them telling me of their own need to fight in various areas of life. They shared how the enemy had used his pinpricks and schemes to weigh them down. They are coming up swinging too.  We fight negative thoughts, bad reports, rock throwers, and fear with God’s word not our own. Sometimes my tongue hurts from biting it and many times I find myself at the mercy of forgiveness because, if not tamed, my tongue is runs wild and does its damage.

I pray you have the hope in him that draws you to your feet when the enemy knocks you to your knees. I pray you have the fight in you that advances that hope into the lives of others. We are not defeated though we become weary in the battle. He sends his helper, he sends his people, he sends his word, but most of all he wants to send you to advance the hope we have in him. Some days quitting seems easy, but Hope will always whisper, “do it one more time”.

 

My shirt says "you've got what it takes but its going to take everything you've got." We have it inside of us. He that is in us is greater than He that is in the world. 1 John 4:4

The Sound of Mercy

I just stood there praying that God would help me to handle whatever reaction I was going to get. The silence was screaming and my heart was giving me the pounding I so deserved on the outside.  I am too old to be making these kind of mistakes. I not only know better but I teach to do better.  That would be a later conversation between myself and God. Maybe he too was embarrassed I said his name and posted his verses and continued to fall flat on my face every turn I made. Right now my public life is not matching up with my private life and I am broken. 

I am waiting for Barney to respond and my head is lowered and it my heart is so heavy.  “Lord help me not to be defensive or make excuses or any sort of justification”.  Barney leans towards me and lifts my chin, puts his hands gently on the back of my neck and pulls me in and says,“I am standing here praying and asking God to give me the response he would give and the words to the song Forgiveness are playing over and over in my head. I can’t hate you and I can’t be mad at you.  I forgive you and I love you and I can see that you are hurting.”

He’s holding me and I am the one that hurt him. I can’t fathom it and it would have been easier had he lost his cool or told me I took it too far this time. I would have understood if he packed his bag and slept somewhere else for the night or the rest of his life. He could have asked me to create a sign and write “Hello My name is Christi Miller and I am a phony, walking hypocrite” to put on facebook or stand on the court house lawn to absorb the ridicule I deserved. Instead he handed me Mercy and he held me with Grace and then he wept over me. That moment will be forever etched in my heart.

A few years ago I called my dad to tell him I was working on getting the money that I owed him when we went through our own financial hell. It’s a substantial amount. Humiliation and shame don’t cover the emotions I went through. It had been eating at us and we didn’t want him to think we didn’t remember we had a debt to pay. “Christi, it’s canceled. It’s gone. You don’t owe me any money. Consider it paid. I love you guys.” When I first called to tell him we were in trouble he sent me an email that I still have. He too had been there and he promised we would make it through. He never judged me. I am sure I wore out my welcome but he never said. I stopped by every night on my way home because I was safe from the accuser in my head when dad was there. When I couldn’t go one more day and thought the bottom would surely fall out he called me and read these  verses he found for me:

 ² Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. ³ He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. ⁴ Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. ⁵ Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you.  – Deuteronomy  8:2-5

I am the bride that receives Mercy I don’t deserve and the daughter that receives Grace I cannot pay. I am the Bride of Jesus who shows me Mercy and the daughter He pours out his Grace upon.  I cannot scrub myself clean enough, or erase the mistakes fast enough, I am waiting for the blow of his arm he will never send. I cannot pay the debt I owe by working harder or being better. The sound of his Mercy is calming to my soul. His hand of Grace is gentle and pulls me close to him.

I often find myself in the seat of Judge. Nobody told me I could sit there. Every now and then I try it on for size and roll the stones around in my pockets. I then share it with the gossip jury and we detail the sanctions. We lay out our stones to be thrown enjoying the wincing and squirming from our position all the while forgetting what we have been forgiven of.

 Jesus, however, went to the Mount of Olives. At daybreak he appeared again in the Temple, and all the people came to him. So he sat down and began to teach them. But the scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery. After setting her before them, they told him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the very act of adultery. Now in the Law, Moses commanded us to stone such women to death. What do you say?” They said this to test him, so that they might have a charge against him. But Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with his finger.

When they persisted in questioning him, he straightened up and told them, “Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Then he bent down again and continued writing on the ground. When they heard this, they went away one by one, beginning with the oldest and he was left alone with the woman standing there. Then Jesus stood up and asked her, “Dear lady, where are your accusers? Hasn’t anyone condemned you?”

“No one, sir,” she replied. Then Jesus said, “I don’t condemn you, either. Go home, and from now on don’t sin anymore.”

The Law of Moses says I too should be stoned. I have broken the Ten Commandments beyond coveting and have done so as a believer and teacher of God’s word. The God of second chances has cleaned the dirt off my face more times than I can count, protected me from stones I should have felt, and redeemed me from the hell I deserve. I am replacing my stones with grace and mercy. I pray God helps me to carry them everywhere I go. I am staying out of the seat of Judge and going in with the broken. I am praying that he will use me to write in the dirt and help send the accuser away.

But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. – James 3:17

 When I meet you I hope you feel his grace and see his goodness. When I talk to you I hope you hear his love and the sound of his mercy. When I leave you I hope you take his salvation and not because of what I have done but because you have see what He can do with broken vessels.

 Who is a God like you? You forgive sin and overlook the rebellion of your faithful people. You will not be angry forever, because you would rather show mercy. – Micah 7:18

 A song of mercy by one of my favorite artists, Bebo Norman.

http://youtu.be/CaJelws8MgA