Desperate for more of less

It started a few weeks ago with the realization that my oldest, Lauren, is in the eighth grade. That means I potentially have only four and three quarters years left with her. A tsunami of fear knocked me on my butt. Have I taught her everything she needs to know in our short time? All of my horrible mom moments flashed through my mind like the scariest movie I have ever seen. My phone buzzed with a message and I felt the tear roll down my face. That little black box has become my life. I have customer messages, workout messages, prayer requests, updates, email, my full-time job, and just plain nosey checking that I do personally.  My stomach hurts. My heart aches.  I pulled back immediately from the amount of time I spend with my little friend. I need to be present.

Fast forward a few weeks to Women of Faith. I cannot tell you how incredibly excited I was to hear my favorites, Christine Cain and Lysa Terkuerst. I was, of course, completely moved by both of them, but it was the one I hadn’t heard of before that rattled my inner being. She was speaking my language. Jen Hatmaker, I will never be the same. It’s even more amazing that you are originally from Kansas. Immediately I loved you. You began speaking about taking down the boundaries that keep us from loving others whether it is political differences, religious differences, socioeconomic differences…what if we just loved like Jesus.  When you were done I ran upstairs at looked at your book.  I was a little disappointed at first because it had to do with getting rid of excess. I was looking for a social justice book. Something in me said to grab it. I did. I got to meet you. Genuine. Sweet. Thank you for signing.  It took me two days and a bucket of tears but I finished it. Can you just punch me in the face now? Some moments I would get down on my knees and lay my head on the couch and cry. Lord, change me.

The book is called Seven An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker. She does a 7 month experiment to get rid of excess.

I want you to know with all of my heart that this is not about making you or I feel guilty. I was already feeling some conviction and a stir in me. If you know me, you know how restless I can get. You know I am looking for purpose, meaning, and for life to be full. I have tried to fill it with many things to be left empty and drained. Maybe, I need to be emptied and drained first so I can be filled. I have spent my whole life looking and it’s always been here.

A side note as to why Jen’s message was like the angels were singing “Ahh” while she talked. Thursday, before I left for Women of Faith, I had a meeting with some pastors and people close to me working on a ministry in my community. At the table we had four different churches represented with four different methods of worship. The common theme was hope for the broken.  The solution is Jesus through his people. There was joy, hope and unity. Boundaries were left at the door. This is a whole other blog coming soon. It’s still blowing my mind.  I cannot wait to tell you.

I am in month one of this book. It’s not a fast or a movement. It’s an honest, clear the clutter, help me to see, pause in my life.

I decided on Saturday nights, as a way for the family to be involved with me, we would pick a country or place to pray for. We would make their native food, read about their culture and barriers to hearing the gospel. In my mind it would be a glorious holy moment as a family. We would take the evening to pray for our fellow persecuted brothers and sisters, learn more than just the American way of church, and let God direct us in how he wants us to be his hands and feet.
Can I just tell you God is really dealing with my attitude when plans don’t go as I want?

Me: We are going to make food from Somalia, learn about their country and pray for the people.

Barney: couldn’t you pick somewhere like Mexico. I like Mexican food.

Me: Are you serious? I picked a country in the 10-40 window where they are unreached people (in rude annoyed tone of voice).

Barney: I didn’t understand I am sorry. You might want to get some chicken nuggets I don’t think the girls will eat locusts and stuff. I saw it on the documentary I watched. People in other countries eat that.

Me: It’s chicken and rice. This isn’t going to work.

Two hours later:

Barney: Haley’s volleyball team is going to have a bonfire tonight and she wants to know if her friend can spend the night. They won’t be here for dinner.

Me: (Extremely annoyed right now) Why am I even doing this if we can’t all be together.

Barney: I can tell her no.

Me: No, she made the tournament team she will be here next time (through annoyed angry almost tears).

I finally get all the food and get home. I had to face Wal-Mart on a Saturday. I had to keep telling myself not to make rude facial expressions or sigh at people who block the aisle. I was shopping for Jesus, so to speak. Wal-Mart can put me in a foul mood fast. In fact, Barney says I have to wear a Christian t-shirt so my attitude will be in check. Attitude is something I pray about a lot.

I ask the girls to help me cook. One is not in the mood. She gives me an excuse about how she hates to cook. Why can’t she go stay somewhere if her sister is going to be gone? (I am really losing my cool by now and tempted to throw all of that food in the trash).
Me: Why don’t you go stay with your friend? It would be better than dealing with your crappy attitude all night. I swear I don’t know why I plan anything.

Barney: Christi lets go feed your dad’s dog before it gets too late. You guys can calm down. You, (to our happy teenage daughter) better figure out what your problem is by the time we get back.

(I get it now that I think about it. I know she was tired. She babysat her younger sisters all day, cleaned the house and did two loads of laundry. Now I was asking her to hang out in the kitchen and cook where there would inevitably be more dishes. I am sure the two younger ones made messes faster than she could pick up. I didn’t say thank you before I asked her to come in and get dirty with me.)

We get to mom and dad’s house and I can’t remember the code to get in. I am really annoyed now. Barney starts punching buttons and I am afraid he will set the alarm off so I start bossing and nagging. He gets mad. I sit in car. Finally someone answers the phone so we can feed the dog and I can get the food processor. I get in the car to go home and realize we don’t have the right blade. Precious time is ticking away. It will be nine o’clock before we eat.  I am ready to order pizza and check facebook all night. These people and circumstances are getting on my last nerve.

Barney: It’s going to work out. You need to calm down. We will make it a good night.

Magic words of a loving dad are evident when I get home and he talks to my still in her room teenager. She comes out. We hug. We cook. We eat. We light candles. We pray. I cannot stop crying.

It turned into a beautiful evening. I tell you all of that to say, I am learning. I am learning that I have these beautiful “God” moments planned in my head. I want to create moments where we really see what God sees and pray for the things that break his heart. I also want my facebook friends to see that a picture on my wall doesn’t tell the full story. Yes, it was beautiful but it was a messy process to get there. We are human.

Our Pastor said we can have good marriages or we can have great marriages. We can be a good church or we can be a great church.  All I know is I am hungry for something different, something meaningful and I know, for me, it will only be found in what Jesus calls us to do. I have to get out of the way. I have to quit striving for “things” and stay desperate for him.  

This world will try to stop us. We have so many things going on. We have emotions and irritating conversations. We have to be purposeful. We have to keep going the course. It was a simple dinner plan and had I let my emotions rule, we would have had pizza and missed the beauty. I want to be intentional about creating these moments with my girls and Barney. I want us to know and remember that so many people don’t have the simple things we take for granted.

As I try to live out the concepts of this book for the next seven months I realize I am not in a test group at NASA in a controlled environment. I am at home with real people and real life. If I am going to clear the clutter from my life, seek His purpose, and love like Jesus. I have to be willing to roll with the punches, check my own attitude and keep pressing on.  He said when I was at the end of my rope he’d be there.  I am so glad he sticks closer than a brother. I need it.