Inside Out, Upside Down and Messed Up (Exactly where I need to be)

I wrote the last portion of this in 2009. I didn't edit then and I still don't. You get the raw writing (sorry grammar police), the emotions as they come out, the thoughts as they flood my mind.  I read this and I thought, "Where did she go?" I took a detour. I forgot the things I said. If you followed me because of that note, I am sorry. I don't why I get lost but I do.  God has placed so many "go back" signs in front of my face. He stuck Jen Hatmaker in the line up at Women of Faith, called us to The Edge to listen to Jim Morgan, and if that wasn't bad enough he laid David Platt's book, Radical, in my lap. I messed up. It's a good messed up.

I have literally cried for a month. Friday I saw a photo of two starving children in Africa with a quote from a famous bible teacher about how God wants to bless us yet these kids starve. You can imagine the haters hating on Jesus. Please, it's not him. It's us.

I suddenly remembered this note I wrote. I walked past my closet of spilled out shoes and cried. I looked at seven bags of clothes that don't fit and I couldn't take it anymore. Twenty-six thousand children die every day from starvation and preventable diseases. Every. Day.

I am heartbroken.

I told Barney I needed to talk.

"I am not sure about Christmas this year. I am afraid I may ruin it." And then I just start spilling out the information through tears, rattling off statistics like I do. God's messing me up.

"Is this why you aren't sleeping."

"Barney, I have a $150 bracelet that tells me how many calories I burn." And then I lost it again.

"It was a gift, Christi. I think you can wear it."

So I can track calories that I burn when someone's dying of starvation every day?

"I missed this Christi. I think God's calling you back to where you were. It's going to work out."

Do you know how much money people spend on workouts and “diets”? I do. I am not saying it’s all bad. I teach classes and sell workouts. I remember training for my marathon and wanting to quit so many times because it was hard and it hurt. I would think of friends that fought cancer or Rich that was training for a triathlon and was paralyzed by a careless driver that hit him. I realized how blessed I am to be able to push myself to do more, to be able to train to the hard things.

I bought expensive stability cushioned shoes and performance pants that cost $70. So basically I have pants I sweat and pee in when I work out for $70. Really?  For that I could partner with our pastor and provide a wheel chair for a disabled brother or sister in and impoverished nation to give them dignity, independence, and hope. They wouldn’t have to crawl or push themselves on a skateboard.

 I cannot walk into Target, Walmart and Kohl's and not think about who made what I am about to put on and in what condition they had to do it under. Was it a 12 hour day with a scoop of rice? Then I’ll head to Starbucks and drink coffee and worry if I have enough decorations to make my house look semi presentable.

Christmas is a barn, a manger, the savior of the world in the pen with animals so that I might live. No inn, no 5 star hotel, no epidural for Mary (Bless her). Shepherds visit. You think they are clean visitors? Wise men show with gifts and not a beautiful basinet or the latest 5 point confusion car seat contraption, either. Mary didn’t have a mother bring her Bath and Body so she can smell nice and new pajamas to hide the kangaroo pouch.  Those things do not matter. (Well, legally you do need a car seat).

 I want to see differently and, yes, I get massively overwhelmed with the big picture. It's why God brings smarter people in my life. I cannot save 26,000 children today as bad as my heart aches to. I cannot end slavery overnight as angry as it makes me. I can do something.

A church I read about prayed and asked God what to do for the 150 foster kids in their area. 160 families signed up to be foster or adopted parents.

Our Pastor, Jim Morgan, said “Do not pray for a lighter load. Pray instead for a stronger back. Anything worth doing is hard.”

That picture of the two little kids still burns in my memory. We are in the top 15% of the richest people in the world. If you drive a car or have transportation, you are too.

What can I do, Lord? I don’t know what he’s going to ask us to do. I just want to be willing and ready to lay down my agenda for his.

I finished the last chapter of David Platt’s book, Radical, after I talked to Barney. He gave a one year challenge. I am always thinking of how to make the New Year a little more significant. What can I learn? What Can I do? You In?
 

1.      Read the entire Bible in a year. It doesn’t sound like much, but how can you do what we are called if you don’t really know?

2.      Pray for the world, your community, your neighborhood. Every Day.  

3.      Give Sacrificially. Not the ugly scarf you don’t like anymore. Sacrifice is the key.

4.      Go serve somewhere in missions. I know many people think that is a waste of resources and time, but you can’t really know how to pray for the people until you get to be with the people. I can send my money and mind my own business but I will never really be fully invested in what happens to those people. (Homeless shelter, recovery center, Nicaragua, Africa)

5.      Serve and commit to your church. Get involved. Connect and grow together. Sharpen one another.  

 Thank you, Lord, for messing me up, sending strong messages, breaking my heart for what breaks yours.

Here I am, Lord. Send me.

 Here’s the original Facebook note. Oh, how far I have drifted. He always guides me home.



August 2009

I forced myself to look, knowing full well that I would not be able to handle it. A post on facebook. Someone meant to spark an argument about who was wrong. The man who took the image committed suicide not long after returning home. He was said to have cursed God after taking the image. Some wonder whether it was because he took a picture of the child but did nothing to help. Some wonder if the horror he endured broke him. I don't know.



The image was a small child possibly a toddler crumpled on the ground in a starved emaciated state. Just a few feet was a vulcher perched and watching... I want to throw up. I didn't curse God when I saw it. I cursed myself.


On my desk are three magazines I planned to read during lunch. The articles are "Drop one size in 4 weeks", "Walk yourself skinny", and one says "Stubborn fat be gone". On a magazine rack after grocery shopping those articles look enticing. They are good on Monday afternoons when you had too many family dinners on the weekend or you had a bad week so you treated yourself to the chocolate stash. I still want to throw up. Why me? Why am I blessed. Why did you trust me with money I just threw away. Why do I walk in grace and mercy but not extend it to my neighbor? Why have I wasted prayers asking for help to clean up all the messes I have made?



Satan loves debt..he loves when Christians get caught up in greed and me, me, me. He loves it so that when your heart is changed and you want to give..you can't.



What is recession to us in America, to me? The loss of retirement funds we saved for. The inability to go on vacations and have staycations. Is recession no more jobs to pay for the second car, the second mortgage, the credit card debts, the season passes, the new shoes, date night at the favorite eatery, the newest gadget.We are doing Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover..I am so disappointed in myself. Where does the money go?? I eat it, wear it, drive it, drink it, charge it..Then i spend money on ways to take off the extra weight that my money paid for. We trade perfectly good cars for "cooler cars", cooler payments, cooler tags and taxes.



What is Recession to that child in the photo? What does he care about retirement, the sale at Penneys, new shoes, the new fall boot line, the new car with a built in GPS, the 401k, whether I should go dark or blonde with my hair, the new carpet, the new windows, the new house..It never crosses his mind, it never will. His day to day is..Will I eat, Will I survive?



Go ahead blame it on God. Go ahead and say that God did this. If God is real why doesn't he just fix it? Honestly I don't know. I know he gives us free will. You choose to believe He doesn't care..I choose to believe he does. I choose to believe he sends the workers for the Harvest..I choose to believe that it is through us..His chosen people.. that he brings glory to Him..I believe we have a purpose. Our purpose is not to have money so the world can see that God loves Christians..that he blessed us and made us prosperous..gave us big houses and fancy cars..I believe he blesses us to be a blessing. I believe he called us for sacrifice and that sacrifice may begin in not buying that diet mountain dew, not buying the cup of coffee and handing that money to someone who needs it. Me time will be replaced with giving. Giving gives me far more joy than a hot bath with bubbles. I believe pretty soon instead of getting a new car, we could be buying someone else a car.



When I see an image of a helpless child, those once "can't wait to read magazines" look like pornography to me. Why did I look knowing it was going to make me put my head down and cry? I needed to. I need to know what is out there. I need to know the hurting stories and I need to keep myself from becoming numb to someone elses pain. I don't want to become thick skinned and unmovable. I need to know so that I can intercede for them. I need to know so that God can show me what my hands are for.



He blessed me so I can be a blessing not so I can hoard it to myself. We are to build treasures in Heaven not here on earth. When I die my kids are going to sell my things at an estate sale. They are going to take the few valuable momentos like my rings and divide them up. That's it. I will be gone and what they will remember is the legacy I leave behind. What will it be. Will they grow up to engross themselves in debt and endless dieting woes, or will they be givers. Will they see a need and ignore it. Will they see the broken and walk by. Will they try to determine if that person will do right by the money they give or just give because they were compelled by God. Train your child in the way he should go..How am I training my girls?

 

Because He Cleans My Messes

Mornings at our house can go smoothly or be chaos. Yesterday started out pretty perfect. All the kids ready twenty minutes before the bus gets here and I had my workout in for the day.

Then she couldn’t find her glasses. Anywhere. We all looked. Like her mother, she got a little spastic, took it out on everyone and now we were in full blown chaos.

I went into her room and almost blew a gasket. How could it look like that if they “just cleaned it”.  A few moving of items and I unlocked the secret hiding place for all things “we don’t know where it goes”. Under the bed is where I am assuming all lost shoes for the last year  they “looked every where for” lay hidden. And then I started:

“If you would pull your head out of your butt”.

“You aren’t going anywhere this weekend and if you ask you’re grounded”

“You two call this clean, you’ll be cleaning all weekend.”

She found them knocked under the bed moments before the bus pulled up.

Nice morning turned ugly. I love those days.

I went on with my morning. I was pretty proud all of all I had accomplished in a short time. I fixed my lunch and sat down at my computer to work. I was looking for a coding sheet on my board when I saw my goals I had posted for the year.

Do Hard Things was my motto. I did them. I still had many more to accomplish but in the last thirty days God has asked me take my goals off myself and point them towards Him. It has been life changing. I remembered our Pastor’s message from Sunday. He talked about being bold. He said our life goal should be so people say “You remind me of Jesus”. It hit me hard.

I was thinking of how I could change my goal board to have that quote canceling out the others I had set. My mind lasts a few seconds on each thought. Then I catch myself thinking about how life looks when our goal is reminding people of Jesus. My goals can get big like feeding the homeless, traveling to save children in a trafficked world (just saw a job description for that) and then I felt like He said, “clean their room”.

Clean their room? I have asked them every day to make sure it is picked up. There are more clothes on the floor than in their closet and dresser combined.

Clean their room. Remind them of Jesus.

Sometimes I want to save the world and some pretty awesome little people get lost in translation. I can show the outside Jesus but the insiders need it more.

I remembered Jesus cleaned my mess. Messes I made intentionally. Messes I tried to hide.

At 15 I wanted to be a missionary. At 16 I took step after step off that narrow road. I was reminded of that this month with a speaker that was brought into the schools. As I watched teenagers flood the gym floor to get back on the narrow road, I fought back tears. I wanted to stand up and beg them to stay on there and don’t leave. It’s worth it.

I wasn’t going to clean under the bed. I thought they should at least do that.

Clean the hiding places.

He reminded me of a few summers ago as I sat outside at midnight. I had a book, a bible and alcohol. I was either going to get drunk and lost or we were going to clean out the hiding places. The places I stuffed those things I didn’t understand. The place we bandage the deep hurts, deep wounds, the cuts that keep bleeding.

I looked up and in the window sill was a picture of Lauren and Haley at the ages of three and two. We had family picture taken. It was Barney’s idea and I was fighting him on them. I didn’t want them. I just wanted the girls. I had no intentions of being family with him.

Jesus cleaned up my mess. He cleaned the places I was hiding.

I have never cleaned a messy bedroom with thankful tears before. I am not sure I have ever cleaned happy before.

That summer night God landed me on a passage. One I have heard many times before but that day it was a promise from him.

We know that all things work together for good to those who love God, who have been called according to his purpose ~ Romans 8:28

All the why’s of messes I made and the why’s of the messes that landed in my lap he promised to work them for good. Did I have consequences? Yes. Are they painful? Absolutely.

I began to pull them out one by one and hand them over to Him. Finally at 2 am, still sober (in case you’re stressing out) and extremely puffy eyed, I went to bed. The next day our Sunday School lesson was on holding onto bitterness and releasing forgiveness. I think it was just in case I thought he was kidding the night before.

I love how he writes stories. I can go back and read chapters and see his love in my mess and feel his grace in my chaos. He knows my heart can stray and he always leads me home.

I finished the girl’s room and I was pretty proud. We still need to figure out how to sort through all of the clothes and the shoes that don’t fit. It’s not completely done, like some chapters in my story. I thought the lesson was over as I carried the box of shoes and the basket of clothes to the laundry room. They were the unfinished things I would need the girls to tell what still fit.

Unfinished things. I had to set the basket down. This next step was rough.

Then I asked him when that chapter would finally be finished, the chapter started 15 years ago. The one with each one of her birthdays  (and it will be this week) reminds me of how much has been missed and so much has been lost. The one I thought by now would have started a new chapter.

He reminds me he is God. He can fix all things broken, all things lost, and messes that seem too big. He worked the other things in my life for good and he promises to continue.  His grace is sufficient for me. His timing is perfect. He's still writing that chapter. He still has a plan.

I didn’t know what to say to the girls. I didn’t want it to be about me cleaning the room. I just left a note on the door.

Jesus taught so many lessons through parables. He continues to teach me through my own story. May my story be a reminder of Jesus.  

Samaritan Road

His mug shot tagged on Facebook with comments trailing beneath and I felt my blood boiling. Words that stung deeply like “waste of breath”, jokes made about his past, his life, his horrible choices. Barney told me to put my phone down and not comment.  Unjust, judgmental, legalistic, better than you people make me want to knock heads together.  

The hurt go on hurting and the broken keep breaking. The cycle keeps turning and the lives still being lost and we look around and say, “but I am ok”, he’s the crackhead. He’s a waste of breath, waste of time. I once went to a funeral for a young man that died from weather conditions but those that knew him knew he had an addiction and he died alone, cold, in a park. As I walked to my car I heard a woman from the church tell a lady she was walking with, “What a waste”.

You are right, lady. You are a waste. You sit in the church like a bobble head, go to your car, eat your lunch and go on with life. I know. I do it too. I too am a waste of resources that I have been given. That young man was not a waste.

They were “those” people to me too, once. I sat at the funeral with my sister who had just overcome her own addiction and I wept. I didn’t really know him, she did. My heart ached so bad when I hugged that mother. I felt guilty. Why were we spared the devastation and she was not? I am writing this on my sister’s birthday. She’s married. She has 4 beautiful kids and a husband. It’s not the end of the story, it’s the beginning of another chapter.

I have been to too many funerals of lives taken too soon. I heard their stories. I saw their families devastated. I heard wonderful things they did but an addiction chained them to a life they never set out to live.  I vowed never to see them again as “those” people. They have a face, a name. That is someone’s son, daughter, sister, mother, and friend.

It’s been many years. I still cannot see them as a waste. I can only see them as a sister.  I stood in the gas station and watched the young man scramble through the store. He was nervous. He appeared to be high. I watched him for awhile and walked out to the car. Barney was outside talking. He talked forever and the young man didn’t come out. I got some money and went back in. I had seen the cashiers laughing at him when I left. I was worried he didn’t have enough money for his stuff. He was checking out when I got there. He was ok. I put the crumpled money in pocket and I prayed. I prayed for his mother, I prayed for his addiction, I prayed for his next move, I prayed for his life, I prayed that he would cross paths with someone that would take his broken life and put the pieces back together. I know that can only be Jesus. As we drove off I wondered if maybe I was to say something. I don’t know.  I can still see his sunken in cheeks and green hoodie pulled over his face and I pray.

Now an expert in religious law stood up to test Jesus, saying, “Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” ²⁶ He said to him, “What is written in the law? How do you understand it?” ²⁷ The expert answered, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself.” ²⁸ Jesus said to him, “You have answered correctly; do this, and you will live.”

²⁹ But the expert, wanting to justify himself, said to Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?” ³⁰ Jesus replied, “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell into the hands of robbers, who stripped him, beat him up, and went off, leaving him half dead. ³¹ Now by chance a priest was going down that road, but when he saw the injured man he passed by on the other side. ³² So too a Levite, when he came up to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. ³³ But a Samaritan who was traveling came to where the injured man was, and when he saw him, he felt compassion for him. ³⁴ He went up to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring oil and wine on them. Then he put him on his own animal, brought him to an inn, and took care of him. ³⁵ The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, ‘Take care of him, and whatever else you spend, I will repay you when I come back this way.’ ³⁶ Which of these three do you think became a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of the robbers?” ³⁷ The expert in religious law said, “The one who showed mercy to him.” So Jesus said to him, “Go and do the same. – Luke 10

Jesus said this after he sent the seventy-two out two by two. I think God knew what he was doing when he put my sister and brother in law together. Two by two.  Her birthday is also her husband’s clean date. God knows what he is doing. Two by two.

I read a quote from Martin Luther King Jr. it says (my paraphrase), “The Samaritan did not say, like the priest and levite, what will happen to me if I help this man. Instead, he said what will happen to him if I don’t.” The Samaritan went on to take care of the beaten man on the side of the road and take care of his needs.

My sister and her husband have allowed addicts on the road to recovery to stay with them to get on their feet. Honestly, it has scared me. They are aware of dangers. They trust Jesus and take it serious when the Bible says to welcome strangers. They have given warm beds, warms meals and love. They have shown them that life with Jesus doesn’t mean it’s perfect. They didn’t beat them in the heads with a Bible. They built a relationship. One accepted Jesus as his savior recently and the other one began attending church when he was living on his own. One of the men wanted to know why they helped him and why people would be willing. Their answer. Jesus. I can't wait for you to hear them tell their story.

I know what Mercy feels like. I have been held by grace when I deserved so much worse. Who am I to deny it to someone because I don’t like their choices?

There’s a need here in our community.  I asked 200 people to raise their hands at a recent assembly at a school if they had a friend or family member that was struggling with a serious drug or alcohol addiction. I couldn’t count the sea of hands.

Do you know what do you get when you have Catholic Priest from Africa, a Methodist Pastor from Korea, a home church Pastor, Baptist Minister, Lutheran Pastor, two recovering addicts, two prevention specialists, and Christian Church preacher from Arkansas? This is not a joke. This is a ministry being formed right here in Doniphan County, Samaritan Road to Recovery.  We haven’t even made it to all of the churches yet.

We want to see how we as a church body can come together to be the Samaritan. Can we offer a ride, a cooked meal, help with a job application, and teach a skill. What does the cost of discipleship really look like? Does it cost money, interrupt our journey, or slow us down? Will it be messy? Probably. Will it be worth? Absolutely.

Can you imagine an army of mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, friends and family praying in churches across our community for the chains to be broken and lives to be restored? A day when we quit pretending things aren’t happening and tackle them head on. Families will walk in to church with the nakedness of their struggle and feel the warmth of their brothers and sisters believing with them in prayer. Church is not for the morally upright and well to do of our community. Church is for the broken and the sick to be brought to the feet of the one true healer. Jesus.

Many of us, as family members, have wounds and heartaches as our loved ones struggle with the addiction. You are not alone. My sister once told me I was annoying. I would wake up and be so broken all I could do was pray and call her number over and over. I would worry she was gone. I just wanted to hear her voice.  She said she couldn’t even do anything that night because of it. We want to pray with you, families. We know how scary it can be. We know the frustration.  

 It hurts not to be able to fix it. I know.

Many of us were raised that other churches were wrong. We want to argue over little things and discount the big things that matter. Jesus.  By taking the time to listen to the heart of these Pastors I have been blessed to meet, I hear Jesus. We may not worship the same way, we may not take communion the same day, but we believe that Jesus is the way.

"There is no life so wayward, no heart so hard, no soul so dark that it cannot be rescued by the love of Jesus." ~ Jim Morgan (lucky to call him my Pastor)

If we believe Jesus did what the Bible says he did, do what he said to do, and love like he called us we are brothers and sisters because of him. We are laying down our denominations and reaching out to the broken.

One of the Pastor’s said at a recent meeting, “If we don’t start working as a Body of Christ, other religions will do what we are called to do.” Amen.

My Sister and her husband.

 

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.~ Jeremiah 29:11